Tag: Behavior

person holding babys hand
Parenting

Parenting with Emotional Synergy

“Synergy – the bonus that is achieved when things work together harmoniously.” – Mark Twain

As a parent, I always want the best for my child. She’s my one and only. In her first decade of life, I have learned more about myself through her. She’s opened my eyes to many things I never saw in myself.

She’s shown me that I can be courageous while also being cautious. I can be strong, while also being sensitive. She has empowered me to embrace my true self and in this authenticity, I believe in our capacity to do great things, even when they aren’t easy.

Now, for a little bit of “Title” tossing-out. My daughter and I have both been officially diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. With this, we are able to support each other’s challenges with compassion and connection. Yet, that doesn’t mean it’s easier because of empathy. Our emotions and stress can still get in the way of our daily functioning, but we can support each other without judgement.

Secondarily, through my own personal journey, I have discovered that I am an Enneagram 9 and most definitely considered a “Highly Sensitive Person.” Yes, that means that I have a big heart and care about others, yet it’s also a genuine physical and emotional experience for me. I feel more deeply and experience life more richly.

Lastly, my sweet daughter has challenges with Sensory Processing Integration. What this means is that her brain has a difficult time processing the sensory information it receives which can create heightened physical and emotional responses. In other words, her brain in uniquely designed to deeply experience her daily life.

Generalized Anxiety (GAD). Highly Sensitive (HSP). Sensory Processing Integration( SPiD). These terms or labels are not deficits, they are strengths and will continue to build resiliency through connection and reflection.

With this, I had an experience that helped me realize that not everyone has this ‘feel deeply’ experience.

I’d like to provide this scenario to help generate some truths behind navigating parental challenges. Again, my daughter has a beautifully designed nervous system that leads her to embracing life deeply. She is courageous and brave while also timid and tense. Therefore, when conflict arises, she can sometimes react bigger than expected.

For example, when she felt her friends weren’t listening, she told them that she “hated them.” Which then led to responses like “you’re overreacting” and “you’re mean.” Developmentally, this is a ‘sometimes expected’ response. Pre-teens are navigating how to best express themselves emotionally and most often its more intense than they even expect it to be.

This is where the unique awareness for myself as a parent came in. When I read about this interaction (virtual exchange between school friends), I recognized the somatic experience it gave me. I felt those tingles and numbness that you’d feel when someone said or did something hurtful. It was interestingly an empathetic physical response. I felt as if the words were spoken to me. And this is where I am grateful for my awareness that can lead me to a rational response.

My nervous system response led me to an emotional response of sadness and a physical reaction of numbness and wide-awake-ness. Oh did I mention it’s 1:30 am as I write this? Probably not because I know I should be sleeping yet my emotional processing has me physically wide awake.

Going back to the scenario, I ask myself, How can I support my child through validation (of her big feels), reflection and restoration?

I have learned what I shouldn’t and won’t do- have an immediate response of anger, punishment and shaming behaviors. Unfortunately this is the typical-ish response in parenting- respond with intensity to eliminate behavior. By doing this, it simply invalidates emotional and social development and shuts down the ability to grow through the hardship.

Do I believe in accountability- you betcha. Yet how the accountability is communicated is the key element in this scenario, I mindfully choose my language and best frame my reflection questions with curiosity not shame. The “tell me more” request remains the most powerful statement. When I am able to validate the feelings she’s sharing with me, it also creates a safety that builds her resiliency as well as self-compassion.

By investing my energy into seeking to understand, it encourages my daughter (and others) to re-evaluate the situation and be able to become more collaborative in problem solving. Now because of this, I am hopeful that when scenarios arise such as the one shared above, I will be able to remain compassionately curious, not concerned about the outcome of the hardship.

I genuinely want the best for my daughter and will remain intentional about my self-awareness of my response and do my best to empower resilience through authentic emotional processing. I will need practices like these (written reflection and communication) in order to remain calm and curious when supporting the social and emotional challenges that may arise.

For encouragement, when you are invest in your self-reflection and awareness of your reaction and response to the events and experiences of parenting, you are a great parent. There is power in restoration because you’re not always going to get it right. You’re human. By getting to know yourself and your child, you’ll experience the synergy to be able to work together and do hard things.

black and white laptop
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Parenting, Reflections

Intergenerational Relational Healing

You are courageous when you choose to respond differently to your child’s needs than what you may have been shown as a child. You are healing through the change of mindset and behavior response. Yet- lets be real- unlearning is HARD and it takes a lot of heart and inner work.

This is what brings me to this reflection blog entry. My eyes are poofy, I’m stuck in overreflection and hoping that I did the right thing in response to some big feels from my pre-teen (<– that in-itself is hard to read!)

One of the hardest things to hear is “I hate you” alongside a whole bunch on emotionally driven responses from your child. To encapsulate the complete experience would take me to be sitting with you sharing the whole scenario, though let me give a window in so you’re able to connect it to growth not grief.

So here goes. We get home from school. It’s been an energy consuming day, not necessarily bad, just took a lot of cognitive and physical energy investment. It was most definitely time for a break. Yet, my yet to be fully developed brain’d child was struggling to get “comfortable” and get what she needed to relax. Therefore, here I come in- to see how I can “support her.” Well, I wasn’t fast enough and I surely didn’t have the exact information she needed to solve her tech problem. And then it came out- “You’re the worst mom in the world, I hate you, leave me alone.” Ouch. It dug in a little. I was doing the best I could, providing the support and love I thought she’d been seeking, yet I get this level of feedback. Not my favorite moment.

Yet, how I responded is what took conscious decision making. I could have equally raised my voice (to supposively demonstrate confidence and contell right?!) and taken away her electronics for talking to me like that- what most of our generation’s parents most likely would have done. Yet I didn’t. Hear me out.

First, I chose not to be defensive and lecture. I could have taken the opportunity to plead my case for being the best mom that she could have asked for and express my unconditional, unwavering love for her, but I didn’t. I could have shown my hurt through expressing anger (the yelling thing our survival brain likes to lead us to do), but I didn’t. I sat there, let her process her feels, despite how big and targeted they were and listened. Then I said, “I hear how hard this is for you. Would you like me to stay here to listen or would you like some time to self?” She then pronounced clearly, “I told you to leave me alone- so go!” Upon which I replied, “Ok, I’ll be in the living room and will come check in with you. 5 minutes or 7 minutes?” She declared 7 minutes and I took a much needed break (my heart rate and the tension in my body needed stabilizing too!).

When I returned, her tone of voice was lowered, her body more calm (slumped in chair not standing up in distress), so I knew she was more receptive. I quietly requested, “May I sit close to you? Or would you like me to stand over here?” She quietly grumbled, so I chose to sit further away and remain quiet but calm. She then asked me to open her fidget and slowly we connected in preferred topic convo. I let her lead the way in restoration. She eventually came to me and sat in my lap and sought body compression for calm which led me to check in by acknowledging that she was feeling big feels and she proceeded to apologize for saying hurtful things when she was mad.

This is an example of restoration. This is a clear example of growth through coregulation over control. This example may be uncomfortable reading as you may have the automatic response or programming to think “no way, electronics are taken away and she should never talk to you like that!” I get it. Unlearning is NOT an easy process- it’s kind of like reprogramming an operating system that’s been functioning for 40 years. It’s not easy and unfortunately, it takes practice and experiences to experience the impact of slowing down to connect and not control, yet each time you try- you’ll feel the value of your efforts.

In conclusion, I know my parents were incredibly impactful in my childhood. They did their best to provide me opportunities to thrive and make a positive impact on the world around me. I don’t have any discipline traumas to speak of because I felt my actions were coupled with appropriate discipline response. Yet now being a parent myself and after powerful conversations and reflections with my parents, it’s been beautiful to discuss how parenting has been so different for me as it was for them. Therefore, I encourage you to reflect on how you’re building resiliency in the youth that you lead. Are you responding or are you reacting? If my reaction was bigger than I/they liked, how can I reconnect for restoration? Am I aware of the nuances of the needs of my child? How am I managing my emotions and how am I modeling emotional response?

To wrap this up, please remember, parenting is a process and the more you can reflect on the progress, you will continue to make great impact. Each child (and human) are designed beautifully different and each generation has varying social and emotional influences, thus we need to continue to commit to being responsive (not reactive), compassionate (not controlling) in order to build resiliency in this new generation.

Reflections

Misdirected Big Feels

When a seventh grader randomly told me to ef off and gave me some superlatives, I became curious. My unexpected “Ok. Would you like to go for a walk” response disrupted her “attack.” She was expecting me to give her big feels but I didn’t. Instant confusion followed with a hair flip and a timid “ok.”

After I listened to her vent about the vice principal and how much she hated her and blah blah blah, she welcomed me into her story, the true story. By just listening and calmly redirecting her language use, she mellowed down and somewhat dropped her verbal attack.

She requested to see the counselor after taking a short sensory break. Her kinetic sand manipulation and sassy reflection led her to being ready to share the cause of her anger.

And it wasn’t the vice principal. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t the poor kids receiving her targeted hurtful words. It was what she was carrying into school and had yet to process. She truly has legitimate reason to be angry. Yet she was alone in her anger. Big mad needs to be processed through or it will go somewhere- often misdirected which only creates secondary consequences.

Sharing this experience with this student reminded me once again- no child (or adult really) wants to feel the big mad feels. Therefore it is our responsibility to be curious before furious. It is also our responsibility to create boundaries to guide healing and less intense big mad responses. Not eliminate big mad, but better process big mad. And guess what?!? The starting point is you and I. As adults (25 and up) we have a fully developed prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain that helps us with decision making and self control.) Therefore it is our role to model in our language, tone and body position how to respond to big mad and big feels. As we demonstrate through our response to big mad, big mad can visit with less intensity, frequency and duration.

In conclusion, our students come to us with unsaid challenges, new beginnings and growing brains. It is our gift to meet them where they are and love them through it. Through curiosity, compassion, healthy healing boundaries and restored hope, we will can lessen big mad and come together to support each other through hard things.

grayscale and selective focus photography of three women
Reflections

Relational Well-Being

“… belonging and being loved are core to the human experience. We are a social species; we are meant to be in community—emotionally, socially, and physically interconnected with others.” – Bruce D. Perry

Part 1: Neurobiological Need for Connection and Relationship

Your brain is constantly seeking felt and physical safety in your environment and experiences. This is called your interoception. Unconsciously our brains are scanning the environment and experience for safety and threat. Our senses provide the brain with the activators of response or rest. What makes this radar system complex is how it determines “safe” or “danger” in the split second it’s scanning the environment. Our previous experiences create highways to response or pathways to safety. Our nonverbal communication (body posture and position, facial expressions and tone of voice) tell our stress response system to chill out or activate. Knowing this, we can be more mindful of what activated our emotional responses and behaviors. Through this reflection and awareness, we naturally begin to coexist more effectively (and pleasantly).

As humans, we are social beings, therefore we also crave consistent, reliable and authentic connections and relationships. When you feel like you are part of a community, you are more willing to do new and/or hard things.

When you invest your time and energy in a relationship/friendship, you create stronger connections (what I will refer to as “relational mylienation”). As you increase frequency, duration and sometimes intensity within these relationships and friendships, that’s where the “mylienation” or the “strong bond” evolves.

From here, a trusting connection is cultivated as you begin to co-process, co-regulate and reflect on life circumstances. You feel more anchored, safe, reflective and connected to yourself and trusted friend. The challenge to this is when the other person may not reach the same stage of safety as quickly or maybe too quick. This makes the relationship complex as you navigate the intensity of the relationship. Oftentimes, in healthy relationships, these are moments to pause, check in, and clearly communicate to discuss the “rate of growth.” This could be awkward at first- yet it will set up a strong foundation for communication and growth.

Yet on the contrary, relational well-being is sometimes challenged by circumstance and control. These seasons, times or moments are hard because of the strong connection built in the relationship or friendship. During these times, you also seek out your trusted community to anchor yourself, restore strength in your perspective and resolve the relationship challenge while keeping your well-being in mind.

If you’ve never faced the waves of well-mylienated relationship challenges, this may sound easy. Though if you’ve endured these “waves” in time, you know they aren’t easy. Either way, we are neurologically wired to seek out others to help us get through tough things.

Considering this, how can you know that you have a secure “safety net” built for life curve balls (and confusing detours)?

First and foremost, get to know yourself. What I mean by this is- seek to understand, develop awareness and explore your mind and body connection. What stirs you up? What settles you down? Next attune to your relational investments. Who makes you feel recharged? Who drains your battery?

These two explorations alone will help you “prune” some of your relational investments and nurture others. You’ll also find yourself more anchored and aware of yourself in social and non social situations as you attune to the energy you give and receive.

From here, you can simply begin “mylienating” these relationships and friendships to cultivate growth, connection and relational wellbeing.

Simply put, through attunement and awareness of the mind and body response to our relational energy investments, we are better able to balance and boost our emotional and relational wellbeing.

Part 2: One-Sided Co-Regulation

As a human, your relational and regulation energy is contagious. This is both a positive thing as well as a challenging thing. Without words, our energy can be transferred simply by being in presence with someone. Considering this, a problem arises. What if the other person, who may be dysregulated or dealing with toxic stress has developed barriers and shields over time? They are doing whatever they can to not absorb your calm contagion. How can you support their well being without it negatively influencing YOUR well being? What can you do to meaningfully support the well-being and relationship without it becoming toxic stress?

With this inquiry, I think of my most challenging students. Oftentimes they are carrying in their big behaviors because they’ve learned them as coping strategies as they deal with the toxic stress in their families and/or homes. They’ve learned how to manifest and create chaos for their comfort. They engage in negative peer interactions and adult defiance and disrespect from learned behaviors. This takes all the heart and patience of the co-regulating adult to persevere, teach and love them through their big feels and big reactions. Yet the secret is- they don’t take these behaviors personally AND they check in with their nervous system during and after these interactions and experiences. These are the two keys to emotional and relational well-being. Now when it comes for adults experiencing these challenging experiences, it leads me to a second reflection for application.

As Maya Angelo reminds us, “When you know better- do better.” Considering this, when adults demonstrate a disconnect of emotional response and circumstance (bigger, louder, intense, unexpected), often times It could be from one of these thing.

  • They are going through hard times and may not feel seen, heard or valued (relational well-being)
  • Don’t have healthy of helpful coping strategies (self and co-regulation)
  • They have yet to befriend and/or understand their Stress Response and Nervous System influence on their reaction and response (neuroanatomy knowledge)

Because we are biologically wired for connection, when another human responds unexpectedly, it puts OUR stress response system on fight, flight or freeze mode which directly impacts the response and in turn the relationship. Things are said that require rupture and repair. Resolution is not quickly established and it all gets far more complicated than first intended. This happens to all of us. We are human. Yet the more we understand our nervous system and behavior response pattern, the better our responses become in stressful situations. Our fight, flight, freeze response becomes better programmed and our relational well being (with ourselves and others) improve. How we repair our relational well-being is how we can heal our nervous systems to be more anchored and meet our biological need for connection and community.

Relationship Mylienation

Therefore, I go back to the beginning point, relationships and friendships take commitment and meaningful reflection to evolve and ‘mylienate’ over time. Developing skills together and being aware of your behavior and response based on neuro- and biological needs, you will continue to be anchored in yourself and your relationships. You can better choose how to invest in your relational well-being.

Also, I encourage to find a community that uplifts you and you can also co-process challenging things with. When you find a ‘tribe’ that can support you though relationship ‘mylienation’, you’re going to have better outcomes as you can authentically reflect, restore and rebuild your relational wellbeing.

grayscale and selective focus photography of three women
Reflections

Checking Your “Engine” Meditation Moment

As we are here together and you are actively listening to what I am sharing, I want you to settle in where you are. Try to find your body’s rest point and fall into that space. Once you’ve found your comfortable position, take a slow breath in through your nose, feeling your body melt into the position you are anchored at, and release a slow, steady exhale out.

Today we are going to explore our internal engine. We are going to check it’s rpm’s and how our engine is running. As you are listening, put your right hand onto your chest. Take a moment to connect to your “engine” that’s running. Is the motor “purring” or in idle? Is it revving it’s engine, ready to move forward to the next thing? Or is it steady on a cruise? You can check it’s status by the rate of your heart (beating fast, slow, steady) and the depth of your breath (shallow, deeper).

As you connect with your engine, let’s also attune to the other parts of our vehicle. Let’s bring our attention to our feet. Do you sense tension or grounding in your toes? Do you feel like you have good “traction?” If not, give your toes a squeeze and release or rotate your ankle to check in with the “pressure” within your foot to empower your toes.

Next let’s go upward to your navigation station (your head). At this moment, let’s place your hand back into a comfortable position. Let’s then close our eyes (if you’re comfortable) and do a small head rotation in whichever direction your body leads you. Let’s do two rotations, slow and steady. As you do so, pay attention to your breath. Are you holding your breath or are you still able to control your breathing pace? If you need to take a cleansing breath, please do so now.

As you continue to listen, let’s discuss how your navigation station is impacting your engines pace and readiness. First, your breathing is the key power to the capacity of your vehicle. You breathe in the air to empower and release the toxins when nutrients are absorbed as needed to safely pace the engine. If you breathe in too hard, too fast, sometimes the engines stalls. If you don’t breathe in and out deep enough, the engine will need to be serviced sooner than if you focused on taking in deep breaths as the engine is always going.

As we wrap this up, I invite you to take a steady breath in, feeling your engine with your hand on your chest, and as you slowly exhale, wiggle your toes and rotate your head slowly so you navigation station and traction is set for a safe pace to your day. Thank you for checking your engine and getting ready for a great opportunity for smooth cruising.

Inspired by article: https://insight-international.org/amygdala-hijack-getting-back-into-the-drivers-seat

Reflections

Normal? Abnormal? By What Measure?

Google defines Normal as: [ˈnôrməl]ADJECTIVE conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. Google then defines Abnormal as: [abˈnôrməl]ADJECTIVE deviating from what is normal or usual, typically in a way that is undesirable or worrying.

How would YOU define normal? Yes, context matters, but is there REALLY a line of normalcy? Why do we need to “conform” to be considered “normal” and what typical standard expects us to “conform”? And why do we keep MEASURING ourselves by these human-defined-yet-unnamed-standards.

Alright. Lets start on the positive. When I found out my Enneagram Number and dove deeper into my profile, I wanted to go on a date with my husband and share mine and get to know his. It AMAZED me how spot on it was for me in how it defined some of the things that were challenging and what came easier for me. Simply knowing this information created confidence and encouraged connection. This information provided me feedback and made me feel somewhat ‘normal’ with my profile and personality. Though when I engaged in conversation and reflection, the word “better” and “worse” arose. This made me go down the rabbit hole of thinking- is one Enneagram profile BETTER than another? Was mine WORSE to have? Comparative Language Arose.

As human beings, we are wired to be comparative. What we compare and how we communicate our comparisons, are fundamental to how we connect, correct and keep relationships. It takes self-control and self-awareness to be uplifting and empowering with our language and thoughts. My wonder is why does being a parent create a gravitation of judgement? I understand that our kids deserve the BEST, yet defining what is considered BEST creates the ‘good’ parent and ‘bad’ parent paradigm. What makes this even more complicated is the neurodiversity of our children and selves. Atop of this also lies our intergenerational disciplinary practices and beliefs (which creates a one-size-fits-all thinking). What is often considered normal for you, is far from what is considered normal for someone else. Yet this shouldn’t divide us because we could actually be learning something from each other.

Trying to act normal is the most unnatural behavior of all.

Sharyn McCrumb

Most commonly we compare human behavior. As a parent of a child with neurodiversity, this creates a social and relational challenge. Oftentimes, when my child is experiencing a sensory meltdown, it is often perceived as ‘failed parenting.’ Considering this, it impacts decision making, opportunity and relationship development. It subconsciously creates a secondary trauma. Yet, it also creates the most genuine and rich friendships and relationships with those that understand the challenges with raising a neurodiverse child. I have equally learned that what’s considered “normal” for them is not the same “normal” for me- yet we embrace the “normal” designed by each member of their family. Therefore, we are relationally rich and diversity dense, which in turn makes us feel more WHOLE.

Which leads me back to the definition of “NORMAL.” Is this definition (contextually and relationally) holding you back? Are you meeting your full potential or are you limiting yourself? Are you engaged in meaningful, authentic relationships? Or are you holding back because of fear of judgment?

Considering the definition (from Google) that “Normal” is considered CONFORMING to a STANDARD and “Abnormal” being a DEVIATION of that….. what standards are you CONFORMING to that may be DEVIATING you from your TRUE self?

*Side Note- as I composed this blog, “neurodiverse” is red-underlined and is being suggested to be changed to “neurodiversity.” It’s only registering as a noun, not an adjective. Hmm……