Tag: Brain Science

Parenting, Reflections

Intergenerational Relational Healing

You are courageous when you choose to respond differently to your child’s needs than what you may have been shown as a child. You are healing through the change of mindset and behavior response. Yet- lets be real- unlearning is HARD and it takes a lot of heart and inner work.

This is what brings me to this reflection blog entry. My eyes are poofy, I’m stuck in overreflection and hoping that I did the right thing in response to some big feels from my pre-teen (<– that in-itself is hard to read!)

One of the hardest things to hear is “I hate you” alongside a whole bunch on emotionally driven responses from your child. To encapsulate the complete experience would take me to be sitting with you sharing the whole scenario, though let me give a window in so you’re able to connect it to growth not grief.

So here goes. We get home from school. It’s been an energy consuming day, not necessarily bad, just took a lot of cognitive and physical energy investment. It was most definitely time for a break. Yet, my yet to be fully developed brain’d child was struggling to get “comfortable” and get what she needed to relax. Therefore, here I come in- to see how I can “support her.” Well, I wasn’t fast enough and I surely didn’t have the exact information she needed to solve her tech problem. And then it came out- “You’re the worst mom in the world, I hate you, leave me alone.” Ouch. It dug in a little. I was doing the best I could, providing the support and love I thought she’d been seeking, yet I get this level of feedback. Not my favorite moment.

Yet, how I responded is what took conscious decision making. I could have equally raised my voice (to supposively demonstrate confidence and contell right?!) and taken away her electronics for talking to me like that- what most of our generation’s parents most likely would have done. Yet I didn’t. Hear me out.

First, I chose not to be defensive and lecture. I could have taken the opportunity to plead my case for being the best mom that she could have asked for and express my unconditional, unwavering love for her, but I didn’t. I could have shown my hurt through expressing anger (the yelling thing our survival brain likes to lead us to do), but I didn’t. I sat there, let her process her feels, despite how big and targeted they were and listened. Then I said, “I hear how hard this is for you. Would you like me to stay here to listen or would you like some time to self?” She then pronounced clearly, “I told you to leave me alone- so go!” Upon which I replied, “Ok, I’ll be in the living room and will come check in with you. 5 minutes or 7 minutes?” She declared 7 minutes and I took a much needed break (my heart rate and the tension in my body needed stabilizing too!).

When I returned, her tone of voice was lowered, her body more calm (slumped in chair not standing up in distress), so I knew she was more receptive. I quietly requested, “May I sit close to you? Or would you like me to stand over here?” She quietly grumbled, so I chose to sit further away and remain quiet but calm. She then asked me to open her fidget and slowly we connected in preferred topic convo. I let her lead the way in restoration. She eventually came to me and sat in my lap and sought body compression for calm which led me to check in by acknowledging that she was feeling big feels and she proceeded to apologize for saying hurtful things when she was mad.

This is an example of restoration. This is a clear example of growth through coregulation over control. This example may be uncomfortable reading as you may have the automatic response or programming to think “no way, electronics are taken away and she should never talk to you like that!” I get it. Unlearning is NOT an easy process- it’s kind of like reprogramming an operating system that’s been functioning for 40 years. It’s not easy and unfortunately, it takes practice and experiences to experience the impact of slowing down to connect and not control, yet each time you try- you’ll feel the value of your efforts.

In conclusion, I know my parents were incredibly impactful in my childhood. They did their best to provide me opportunities to thrive and make a positive impact on the world around me. I don’t have any discipline traumas to speak of because I felt my actions were coupled with appropriate discipline response. Yet now being a parent myself and after powerful conversations and reflections with my parents, it’s been beautiful to discuss how parenting has been so different for me as it was for them. Therefore, I encourage you to reflect on how you’re building resiliency in the youth that you lead. Are you responding or are you reacting? If my reaction was bigger than I/they liked, how can I reconnect for restoration? Am I aware of the nuances of the needs of my child? How am I managing my emotions and how am I modeling emotional response?

To wrap this up, please remember, parenting is a process and the more you can reflect on the progress, you will continue to make great impact. Each child (and human) are designed beautifully different and each generation has varying social and emotional influences, thus we need to continue to commit to being responsive (not reactive), compassionate (not controlling) in order to build resiliency in this new generation.

grayscale and selective focus photography of three women
Reflections

Relational Well-Being

“… belonging and being loved are core to the human experience. We are a social species; we are meant to be in community—emotionally, socially, and physically interconnected with others.” – Bruce D. Perry

Part 1: Neurobiological Need for Connection and Relationship

Your brain is constantly seeking felt and physical safety in your environment and experiences. This is called your interoception. Unconsciously our brains are scanning the environment and experience for safety and threat. Our senses provide the brain with the activators of response or rest. What makes this radar system complex is how it determines “safe” or “danger” in the split second it’s scanning the environment. Our previous experiences create highways to response or pathways to safety. Our nonverbal communication (body posture and position, facial expressions and tone of voice) tell our stress response system to chill out or activate. Knowing this, we can be more mindful of what activated our emotional responses and behaviors. Through this reflection and awareness, we naturally begin to coexist more effectively (and pleasantly).

As humans, we are social beings, therefore we also crave consistent, reliable and authentic connections and relationships. When you feel like you are part of a community, you are more willing to do new and/or hard things.

When you invest your time and energy in a relationship/friendship, you create stronger connections (what I will refer to as “relational mylienation”). As you increase frequency, duration and sometimes intensity within these relationships and friendships, that’s where the “mylienation” or the “strong bond” evolves.

From here, a trusting connection is cultivated as you begin to co-process, co-regulate and reflect on life circumstances. You feel more anchored, safe, reflective and connected to yourself and trusted friend. The challenge to this is when the other person may not reach the same stage of safety as quickly or maybe too quick. This makes the relationship complex as you navigate the intensity of the relationship. Oftentimes, in healthy relationships, these are moments to pause, check in, and clearly communicate to discuss the “rate of growth.” This could be awkward at first- yet it will set up a strong foundation for communication and growth.

Yet on the contrary, relational well-being is sometimes challenged by circumstance and control. These seasons, times or moments are hard because of the strong connection built in the relationship or friendship. During these times, you also seek out your trusted community to anchor yourself, restore strength in your perspective and resolve the relationship challenge while keeping your well-being in mind.

If you’ve never faced the waves of well-mylienated relationship challenges, this may sound easy. Though if you’ve endured these “waves” in time, you know they aren’t easy. Either way, we are neurologically wired to seek out others to help us get through tough things.

Considering this, how can you know that you have a secure “safety net” built for life curve balls (and confusing detours)?

First and foremost, get to know yourself. What I mean by this is- seek to understand, develop awareness and explore your mind and body connection. What stirs you up? What settles you down? Next attune to your relational investments. Who makes you feel recharged? Who drains your battery?

These two explorations alone will help you “prune” some of your relational investments and nurture others. You’ll also find yourself more anchored and aware of yourself in social and non social situations as you attune to the energy you give and receive.

From here, you can simply begin “mylienating” these relationships and friendships to cultivate growth, connection and relational wellbeing.

Simply put, through attunement and awareness of the mind and body response to our relational energy investments, we are better able to balance and boost our emotional and relational wellbeing.

Part 2: One-Sided Co-Regulation

As a human, your relational and regulation energy is contagious. This is both a positive thing as well as a challenging thing. Without words, our energy can be transferred simply by being in presence with someone. Considering this, a problem arises. What if the other person, who may be dysregulated or dealing with toxic stress has developed barriers and shields over time? They are doing whatever they can to not absorb your calm contagion. How can you support their well being without it negatively influencing YOUR well being? What can you do to meaningfully support the well-being and relationship without it becoming toxic stress?

With this inquiry, I think of my most challenging students. Oftentimes they are carrying in their big behaviors because they’ve learned them as coping strategies as they deal with the toxic stress in their families and/or homes. They’ve learned how to manifest and create chaos for their comfort. They engage in negative peer interactions and adult defiance and disrespect from learned behaviors. This takes all the heart and patience of the co-regulating adult to persevere, teach and love them through their big feels and big reactions. Yet the secret is- they don’t take these behaviors personally AND they check in with their nervous system during and after these interactions and experiences. These are the two keys to emotional and relational well-being. Now when it comes for adults experiencing these challenging experiences, it leads me to a second reflection for application.

As Maya Angelo reminds us, “When you know better- do better.” Considering this, when adults demonstrate a disconnect of emotional response and circumstance (bigger, louder, intense, unexpected), often times It could be from one of these thing.

  • They are going through hard times and may not feel seen, heard or valued (relational well-being)
  • Don’t have healthy of helpful coping strategies (self and co-regulation)
  • They have yet to befriend and/or understand their Stress Response and Nervous System influence on their reaction and response (neuroanatomy knowledge)

Because we are biologically wired for connection, when another human responds unexpectedly, it puts OUR stress response system on fight, flight or freeze mode which directly impacts the response and in turn the relationship. Things are said that require rupture and repair. Resolution is not quickly established and it all gets far more complicated than first intended. This happens to all of us. We are human. Yet the more we understand our nervous system and behavior response pattern, the better our responses become in stressful situations. Our fight, flight, freeze response becomes better programmed and our relational well being (with ourselves and others) improve. How we repair our relational well-being is how we can heal our nervous systems to be more anchored and meet our biological need for connection and community.

Relationship Mylienation

Therefore, I go back to the beginning point, relationships and friendships take commitment and meaningful reflection to evolve and ‘mylienate’ over time. Developing skills together and being aware of your behavior and response based on neuro- and biological needs, you will continue to be anchored in yourself and your relationships. You can better choose how to invest in your relational well-being.

Also, I encourage to find a community that uplifts you and you can also co-process challenging things with. When you find a ‘tribe’ that can support you though relationship ‘mylienation’, you’re going to have better outcomes as you can authentically reflect, restore and rebuild your relational wellbeing.

grayscale and selective focus photography of three women
Reflections

Checking Your “Engine” Meditation Moment

As we are here together and you are actively listening to what I am sharing, I want you to settle in where you are. Try to find your body’s rest point and fall into that space. Once you’ve found your comfortable position, take a slow breath in through your nose, feeling your body melt into the position you are anchored at, and release a slow, steady exhale out.

Today we are going to explore our internal engine. We are going to check it’s rpm’s and how our engine is running. As you are listening, put your right hand onto your chest. Take a moment to connect to your “engine” that’s running. Is the motor “purring” or in idle? Is it revving it’s engine, ready to move forward to the next thing? Or is it steady on a cruise? You can check it’s status by the rate of your heart (beating fast, slow, steady) and the depth of your breath (shallow, deeper).

As you connect with your engine, let’s also attune to the other parts of our vehicle. Let’s bring our attention to our feet. Do you sense tension or grounding in your toes? Do you feel like you have good “traction?” If not, give your toes a squeeze and release or rotate your ankle to check in with the “pressure” within your foot to empower your toes.

Next let’s go upward to your navigation station (your head). At this moment, let’s place your hand back into a comfortable position. Let’s then close our eyes (if you’re comfortable) and do a small head rotation in whichever direction your body leads you. Let’s do two rotations, slow and steady. As you do so, pay attention to your breath. Are you holding your breath or are you still able to control your breathing pace? If you need to take a cleansing breath, please do so now.

As you continue to listen, let’s discuss how your navigation station is impacting your engines pace and readiness. First, your breathing is the key power to the capacity of your vehicle. You breathe in the air to empower and release the toxins when nutrients are absorbed as needed to safely pace the engine. If you breathe in too hard, too fast, sometimes the engines stalls. If you don’t breathe in and out deep enough, the engine will need to be serviced sooner than if you focused on taking in deep breaths as the engine is always going.

As we wrap this up, I invite you to take a steady breath in, feeling your engine with your hand on your chest, and as you slowly exhale, wiggle your toes and rotate your head slowly so you navigation station and traction is set for a safe pace to your day. Thank you for checking your engine and getting ready for a great opportunity for smooth cruising.

Inspired by article: https://insight-international.org/amygdala-hijack-getting-back-into-the-drivers-seat

Sensory Processing

What is “masking?”

I recently did a podcast on masking but I can’t get it out of my head! Now that the concept is so fresh and real to me- I feel like I’m seeing it everywhere!

Listen to my podcast episode here:

https://anchor.fm/laura-lee-smith/embed

Why do we need to feel like we need to hide from our true selves? What makes it challenging for us to be vulnerable and real? Unleashing your real-ness takes vulnerability and courage, yet why? Peeling the layers away from what you’ve hidden from is freeing, yet it’s also incredibly difficult in a society shaped by “norms.”

I understand the law and order idea to this too. Yes, having expectations is valuable most of the time, yet WHAT expectations and how they are enforced is what should be explored.

Now, let me revisit the term “masking.” The Neurodiversity Association defines “Masking” as concealing neurodiverse traits in order to fit in. (What is neurodiversity? – Neurodiversity Association) With this definition alone, it demonstrates the ‘conformity’ behind the idea.

I validate the real-ness behind ‘masking’ for our neurodiverse children and adults, yet are the neurotypical humans creating this need to mask? Exploring this potential is powerful. How can our neurotypicals (who may not empathetically understand the neurological challenges of others) be more comfortable with differences? We need to build experience and understanding to be more inclusive in conversations and experiences. Honest and true- we have more in common than you may think!

So let’s go there. We all hide from something. We all try to make others comfortable and hide our struggles. I mean- think of a world where we could embrace our honest nervous system navigation. We’d support each other and be more comfortable with what we’d be going through and recognize that though we may be different- we’d still be valued as an INDIVIDUAL.

Let’s think about the different ways human beings “mask.” Then we will explore how neurodiverse minds are challenged by masking.

First, I think of our Black Lives Matter movement right now. They’ve been challenged with the social masking due to systemic inequities throughout our history. This impacts their behavior (heightened stress response), trust (in leadership and systems) and everyday interactions. I strongly believe that putting the intergenerational trauma of racism on the table is important for UNIFICATION. Let’s be real. Systemic change is needed. Equity should begin to be the norm. Taking this mask off takes vulnerability for ALL races. Yet- it’s possible. Let’s have a conversation to lead to correction and direction.

Next- I think of our soldiers who return from war. We do not have a well-designed system or reintegration into society. They have gone through radical nervous system training for survival and then to come back to the ‘free society’ and have to rewire their nervous system without support creates masking behaviors. By not recognizing the impact that soldiers experience when they return from combat is encouraging unhealthy masking behavior. Let’s effectively (and quickly) create systems of support for our honorable Veterans. PTSD is more prevalent than identified. Let’s support their nervous system healing.

american flag under a cloudy sky
Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

Lastly, lets explore how neurodiverse minds have ‘masked’ their neurodiverse traits around neurotypically designed systems and expectations. Essentially, we all have a nervous system activated looking for cues of safety and danger. We are unconsciously scanning our environment seeking predictability and comfort. When our nervous system sends signals to our brain to react and respond to what our senses are processing, it creates our behavior and engages our level of response. Do we flock, freeze, fight or flee when we signal a behavior that’s uncomfortable or unfamiliar? Truth be told- your physiological response (body reaction) oftentimes creates the discomfort that creates masking behavior in neurodiverse individuals. That, and… potentially your language, tone and interaction as well. Oftentimes, unintentionally.

Therefore, I give you a small challenge that’ll reap widespread reward. Be aware and attune to your nervous system response (body and mind connection) when experiencing an uncomfortable behavior in yourself and others. When doing this, you may realize that you may be demonstrating ‘masking’ behavior and/or encouraging others to ‘mask’ theirs.

Again, it all comes down to creating unification amongst our differences. By no means should we be divided because of our discomfort. Let’s seek to understand. Let’s accept one another when going through something not-so-easy. Let’s build inclusive systems and expectations. Let’s empower Sensational Synergy by seeking to understand ourselves and each other better.

Here is a well-written article about Autism Masking. Read this for understanding, yet explore how these behaviors can apply to all neuro-profiles. Understanding-Autism-Masking-and-Its-Consequences.pdf (lifestreaminc.com)