person holding babys hand
Parenting

Parenting with Emotional Synergy

Synergythe bonus that is achieved when things work together harmoniously.” – Mark Twain

As a parent, I always want the best for my child. She’s my one and only. In her first decade of life, I have learned more about myself through her. She’s opened my eyes to many things I never saw in myself.

She’s shown me that I can be courageous while also being cautious. I can be strong, while also being sensitive. She has empowered me to embrace my true self and in this authenticity, I believe in our capacity to do great things, even when they aren’t easy.

Now, for a little bit of “Title” tossing-out. My daughter and I have both been officially diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. With this, we are able to support each other’s challenges with compassion and connection. Yet, that doesn’t mean it’s easier because of empathy. Our emotions and stress can still get in the way of our daily functioning, but we can support each other without judgement.

Secondarily, through my own personal journey, I have discovered that I am an Enneagram 9 and most definitely considered a “Highly Sensitive Person.” Yes, that means that I have a big heart and care about others, yet it’s also a genuine physical and emotional experience for me. I feel more deeply and experience life more richly.

Lastly, my sweet daughter has challenges with Sensory Processing Integration. What this means is that her brain has a difficult time processing the sensory information it receives which can create heightened physical and emotional responses. In other words, her brain in uniquely designed to deeply experience her daily life.

Generalized Anxiety (GAD). Highly Sensitive (HSP). Sensory Processing Integration( SPiD). These terms or labels are not deficits, they are strengths and will continue to build resiliency through connection and reflection.

With this, I had an experience that helped me realize that not everyone has this ‘feel deeply’ experience.

I’d like to provide this scenario to help generate some truths behind navigating parental challenges. Again, my daughter has a beautifully designed nervous system that leads her to embracing life deeply. She is courageous and brave while also timid and tense. Therefore, when conflict arises, she can sometimes react bigger than expected.

For example, when she felt her friends weren’t listening, she told them that she “hated them.” Which then led to responses like “you’re overreacting” and “you’re mean.” Developmentally, this is a ‘sometimes expected’ response. Pre-teens are navigating how to best express themselves emotionally and most often its more intense than they even expect it to be.

This is where the unique awareness for myself as a parent came in. When I read about this interaction (virtual exchange between school friends), I recognized the somatic experience it gave me. I felt those tingles and numbness that you’d feel when someone said or did something hurtful. It was interestingly an empathetic physical response. I felt as if the words were spoken to me. And this is where I am grateful for my awareness that can lead me to a rational response.

My nervous system response led me to an emotional response of sadness and a physical reaction of numbness and wide-awake-ness. Oh did I mention it’s 1:30 am as I write this? Probably not because I know I should be sleeping yet my emotional processing has me physically wide awake.

Going back to the scenario, I ask myself, How can I support my child through validation (of her big feels), reflection and restoration?

I have learned what I shouldn’t and won’t do- have an immediate response of anger, punishment and shaming behaviors. Unfortunately this is the typical-ish response in parenting- respond with intensity to eliminate behavior. By doing this, it simply invalidates emotional and social development and shuts down the ability to grow through the hardship.

Do I believe in accountability- you betcha. Yet how the accountability is communicated is the key element in this scenario, I mindfully choose my language and best frame my reflection questions with curiosity not shame. The “tell me more” request remains the most powerful statement. When I am able to validate the feelings she’s sharing with me, it also creates a safety that builds her resiliency as well as self-compassion.

By investing my energy into seeking to understand, it encourages my daughter (and others) to re-evaluate the situation and be able to become more collaborative in problem solving. Now because of this, I am hopeful that when scenarios arise such as the one shared above, I will be able to remain compassionately curious, not concerned about the outcome of the hardship.

I genuinely want the best for my daughter and will remain intentional about my self-awareness of my response and do my best to empower resilience through authentic emotional processing. I will need practices like these (written reflection and communication) in order to remain calm and curious when supporting the social and emotional challenges that may arise.

For encouragement, when you are invest in your self-reflection and awareness of your reaction and response to the events and experiences of parenting, you are a great parent. There is power in restoration because you’re not always going to get it right. You’re human. By getting to know yourself and your child, you’ll experience the synergy to be able to work together and do hard things.

black and white laptop
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Parenting, Reflections

Intergenerational Relational Healing

You are courageous when you choose to respond differently to your child’s needs than what you may have been shown as a child. You are healing through the change of mindset and behavior response. Yet- lets be real- unlearning is HARD and it takes a lot of heart and inner work.

This is what brings me to this reflection blog entry. My eyes are poofy, I’m stuck in overreflection and hoping that I did the right thing in response to some big feels from my pre-teen (<– that in-itself is hard to read!)

One of the hardest things to hear is “I hate you” alongside a whole bunch on emotionally driven responses from your child. To encapsulate the complete experience would take me to be sitting with you sharing the whole scenario, though let me give a window in so you’re able to connect it to growth not grief.

So here goes. We get home from school. It’s been an energy consuming day, not necessarily bad, just took a lot of cognitive and physical energy investment. It was most definitely time for a break. Yet, my yet to be fully developed brain’d child was struggling to get “comfortable” and get what she needed to relax. Therefore, here I come in- to see how I can “support her.” Well, I wasn’t fast enough and I surely didn’t have the exact information she needed to solve her tech problem. And then it came out- “You’re the worst mom in the world, I hate you, leave me alone.” Ouch. It dug in a little. I was doing the best I could, providing the support and love I thought she’d been seeking, yet I get this level of feedback. Not my favorite moment.

Yet, how I responded is what took conscious decision making. I could have equally raised my voice (to supposively demonstrate confidence and contell right?!) and taken away her electronics for talking to me like that- what most of our generation’s parents most likely would have done. Yet I didn’t. Hear me out.

First, I chose not to be defensive and lecture. I could have taken the opportunity to plead my case for being the best mom that she could have asked for and express my unconditional, unwavering love for her, but I didn’t. I could have shown my hurt through expressing anger (the yelling thing our survival brain likes to lead us to do), but I didn’t. I sat there, let her process her feels, despite how big and targeted they were and listened. Then I said, “I hear how hard this is for you. Would you like me to stay here to listen or would you like some time to self?” She then pronounced clearly, “I told you to leave me alone- so go!” Upon which I replied, “Ok, I’ll be in the living room and will come check in with you. 5 minutes or 7 minutes?” She declared 7 minutes and I took a much needed break (my heart rate and the tension in my body needed stabilizing too!).

When I returned, her tone of voice was lowered, her body more calm (slumped in chair not standing up in distress), so I knew she was more receptive. I quietly requested, “May I sit close to you? Or would you like me to stand over here?” She quietly grumbled, so I chose to sit further away and remain quiet but calm. She then asked me to open her fidget and slowly we connected in preferred topic convo. I let her lead the way in restoration. She eventually came to me and sat in my lap and sought body compression for calm which led me to check in by acknowledging that she was feeling big feels and she proceeded to apologize for saying hurtful things when she was mad.

This is an example of restoration. This is a clear example of growth through coregulation over control. This example may be uncomfortable reading as you may have the automatic response or programming to think “no way, electronics are taken away and she should never talk to you like that!” I get it. Unlearning is NOT an easy process- it’s kind of like reprogramming an operating system that’s been functioning for 40 years. It’s not easy and unfortunately, it takes practice and experiences to experience the impact of slowing down to connect and not control, yet each time you try- you’ll feel the value of your efforts.

In conclusion, I know my parents were incredibly impactful in my childhood. They did their best to provide me opportunities to thrive and make a positive impact on the world around me. I don’t have any discipline traumas to speak of because I felt my actions were coupled with appropriate discipline response. Yet now being a parent myself and after powerful conversations and reflections with my parents, it’s been beautiful to discuss how parenting has been so different for me as it was for them. Therefore, I encourage you to reflect on how you’re building resiliency in the youth that you lead. Are you responding or are you reacting? If my reaction was bigger than I/they liked, how can I reconnect for restoration? Am I aware of the nuances of the needs of my child? How am I managing my emotions and how am I modeling emotional response?

To wrap this up, please remember, parenting is a process and the more you can reflect on the progress, you will continue to make great impact. Each child (and human) are designed beautifully different and each generation has varying social and emotional influences, thus we need to continue to commit to being responsive (not reactive), compassionate (not controlling) in order to build resiliency in this new generation.

woman holding brown paper cup
Reflections

Bandwidth: Capacity to Contribute

I’m drained. I’m done. I am empty.

These are words you say when you are physically, emotionally or socially exhausted. You have limited capacity to contribute.

I’ve said this myself and have most definitely have heard it amongst my peers. Overwhelm. Fatigue. Burnout. The reality of servant leadership is when you spend your energy caring for others, it often leads to physical, emotional or mental fatigue. The degree upon which you feel this fatigue is based on frequency and duration of the support you provide as well as receive. Therefore, its incredibly important to stay connected with others and honest in our self-reflection of our well-being.

With this, I was having a great conversation with a great friend and mentor of mine. When we were debriefing about the heightened stress in teachers and students, she re-explained the “flipped lid” theory from Daniel Siegel. Let me explain this reimagined model.

Using the “hand model,” of the brain, imagine this:

  • Make a fist with your hand by putting your thumb in your palm and closing your fingers over your thumb
  • Move your fingers up in the fist so your fingers are only bent at second knuckle (barely covering your thumb but still a closed fist)

This now represents a modified “hand model” of the brain where the amygdala (represented by the thumb) is more exposed and less protected by our cortex (represented by our fingers).

When your stress response is active, similar to the modified ‘hand model,’ it doesn’t take much stimulus for your stress response to activate. A pencil drop, an unexpected sound or situation, your nervous system goes into fight, flight or freeze automated response.

With this, I want you to notice something.. do you find yourself ‘managing’ your ‘bandwidth’ until it’s fried or burnt out? A lot of us do. And this ‘bandwidth management’ is clearly or invisibly impacting our health and relationships. And this is why it is so incredibly important for you to understand our nervous system so you can be more attune to body signals when managing your ‘bandwidth.’

Let’s be honest. We’ve been recovering from collective community trauma (aka world pandemic and more), so our ‘bandwidth’ has been constricted and our stress response system has been highly active. Therefore, your nervous system has been in overdrive on a daily basis. Again, another reason why it’s important for you to understand healthy ways to manage your bandwidth.

So, what should you do? How can you balance your daily energy withdrawls?

Let me provide some short and sweet suggestions (as time is a deposit AND a withdrawl):

  1. Sensation Self -Check: Are you feeling tense? Are you feeling tired? Are you feeling cold? These body signals are indicators that your nervous system is actively managing your stress and is signaling a slow down for your mind and body. You don’t need to do anything drastic to pause- simply stop and reconnect with your body through breath and grounding techniques.
  2. Name it to Tame it: No need to go tell someone, but if you have a safe person- you can go to them to share your ‘bandwidth’ support need. Yet, you can also use self-talk and tell yourself to pause and tell yourself “my bandwidth needs some support, so I could… (insert strategy here).”
  3. Distract your energy with a low-level or engaging task: Turn on music, go to the bathroom, tidy up your desk, go for a mini-walk. Something that takes little to no cognitive energy. This will give you a mini boost to your bandwidth. When you can take 90 seconds- 2 minutes to shift and settle your energy use, it provides you enough endorphins to reset and return to the more demanding tasks of your day.

When you take care of your emotional, cognitive and relational energy, you will find yourself responding more effectively in stressful situations. You’re working from the reasoning part of your brain (cortex) rather than your fight or flight (amygdala) part of your brain.

With this, I want to encourage you to not feel the pressure of having to do a lifestyle change in order to restore your bandwidth. It truly is a mini-moment investment and awareness of restorative experiences. Taking the two minutes to disconnect from a stressful circumstance can empower you far more than you expect. You manage stress to varying levels throughout your day. May you find the moments to restore your bandwidth to build your capacity to do all of the great things you can do!

woman holding brown paper cup
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Reflections

Unapologetically Authentic

By taking the time to better understand yourself, you unleash an inner capacity that courageously propels you forward. In due time you realize what had you tethered which creates a compelling release when you become untethered. In other words- when you understand what serves you best and what you value most of all- it’s anchoring to stand up for what you believe is best for yourself and others.

Now for some context- I’ve spent more time with my mind than I have ever done before. With the Covid craze, the continuous shifting and risk evaluation, I have developed a stronger sense of self. Fortunately and unfortunately, I have clearer boundaries. Because of this evolution, it’s created some ripple effects. I have lived my life to be a chronic people pleaser and so much so that it’s become an expectation when responding to requests and interactions. To say the least- it’s been somewhat surprising when I say, “no thank you” to some of the things I’ve typically said “sure” to.

Now for clarification- I’m extremely positive with my mindset and approachable in problem solving. What has evolved for me is HOW I respond to life’s decisions. I’m less emotional in quick response and anchored in my willingness to contribute to conflict resolution. In the past, oftentimes I became uncomfortable with conflict and either shut down or cried because there was conflict in itself. Now, with vulnerability and courage, I can comfortably contribute to conflict resolution with clarity and composure. Essentially, I am more comfortable with being unapologetically authentic.

How did I get there? You ask. Oh I’m not there yet. It’s an everyday, every situation, every interaction evolution. Through reflection, genuine connection and conversation, I’m able to improve and become better as I grow into my being. Heck- I’ve been here for 40 years, it’s about time.

Let me stop here for a second. I’m not becoming a new person. I’m not being radical. I’m still me. I’m still a positive presence. I seek to uplift, encourage and empower those around me. I provide positive energy to the communities I contribute to and an active problem solver while I provide positive and impactful feedback to others. The greatest evolution for me is- I’m not afraid to be honest, I’m not afraid to speak up, or admit that I made a mistake. I am invested and it’s critical for me to be genuine in my responses and speak up with what matters most to me, my team and my family.

What piece of advice do I have for YOU as your pursue your best self? First- I validate the courage and vulnerability it takes to be REAL most of the time. Second, sit back for a little bit and “read the room.” Just watch. What stands out to you? What triggers you? What excites you? Listen to the energy in your body. Watch your heart rate on your watch. Your body responds to you more than you may realize. Attuning to the sensations in your body and the thoughts in your mind is the greatest feedback you can receive. Just listen. Lastly, say yes to something for yourself. You may often say yes to someone else a lot faster than you do for yourself. Go get that latte, buy yourself a new color nail polish, take a bath instead of dishes, go stand outside barefoot and feel the rain or breeze. Do you something that empowers you to get to know yourself better. As you continue to attune, your heart and mind will lead you forward.

If you’d like more tips to attune to your mind and body, please reach out to me. I’m passionate about being true to yourself and embracing the gift of being unapologetically authentic.

woman shaping heart with hands
Reflections

Mind Over Matter

I’ve reflected within the year of 2020 of how many historical pivots unfolded (and continue to develop). Yet, I haven’t shared with you what I’ve learned from the radical year of 2020 (one to never be forgotten). Thus, no better place then here right? I welcome you on my journey of reflection. I’ll do my best to keep it engaging, sparkle a little humor and make it worth your time.

woman shaping heart with hands
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First, I must preface this entry with a note of appreciation. If you’re taking the time to read this, thank you. Your time is valued and valuable. May you receive the energy and inspiration in return for your engagement. Heck, if you don’t know me and you’re just reading this for the heck of it- may I kindly introduce you to my world. It’s not fancy. It’s somewhat predictable. It’s full of metaphors and attempts at humor. I am me and may this be apparent in my scripting.

Furthermore, if I could place one phrase to my 2020 experience, it’d be MIND OVER MATTER. Let me explain more as this phrase may be applicable to your experience too (though I hope you didn’t endure the same situations as I). I am going to give light to this phrase in sequential reflection.

On March 17th, 2020, it was the last day that I worked ‘in building.’ (3-17-20: do the math there for a second). I remember the energy on this last day in our school building. Sorrow, stress, anxiety, tension, uncertainty. Teachers grieving the fact they didn’t say goodbye to their students. Determining what to pack up and take home. Needing a hug but not able to get one. Deep and dear concerns for their students and selves. I never thought that I wouldn’t be returning for the upcoming school year. It truly was my last day in the corner office of the library as an Instructional Coach.

As Spring Trimester (pandemic power-up teaching) unfolded, I gained new skills and became a Technology Coach in a flash. I was quickly delivering training on Microsoft Platforms and mastered Zoom like a BOSS! I was able to train teachers so they could connect with each other and their families in a FLASH! Teachers truly are superheroes! They mastered a TON in a short amount of time and without hesitation HEARTfully engaged in their new learning! I wish they could receive bonuses for their hard work. I can honestly vouch that they are working harder and longer than they EVER have before. They are weathered. Give your kid’s teacher some grace. They are doing the best they can.

So then came June. My daughter is no longer a first grader and on her way to second grade. I cried as I told her first grade teacher “thank you” and “goodbye” (She was moving to the East Coast). We all took a deep breath and called the wacky 2019-2020 school year to a close. The last staff meeting was EMOTIONAL when it’s typically full of smiles and silliness.

As summer break began, I was able to be 100% mom and wife. Yet, a nasty ear infection gave me a curve ball. Long story short, I was knocked down for almost 3 months with an infection that turned a million different directions. I now understand that I am severely allergic to cipro antibiotics and that my ear had a long road to healing (don’t ask me how my ear is doing because I’ll glare at you!)

It was a beautiful summer and we enjoyed some new founded family memories. YET, something interfered AGAIN.

Friday night is always easy dinner night. “Bacon and eggs!” The family shouted. “No prob! Got it!” Haha! Well, I will never cook bacon in the oven AGAIN due to this trauma. One small bump when taking the bacon out of the oven gave me a third degree burn on my inner elbow. Ouch doesn’t EVEN explain it. We’ll just leave the story there. You can imagine the details. I hope you can’t empathize.

At this point, I thought I was done with curve balls and injuries. Well. Not yet. Another simple move creating a severe injury. (Its 2020 right?!)

Long story short, I broke a ramekin in the kitchen and it fell on my foot causing nerve damage. The pain was undescribable. Again, I hope you can’t empathize.

After all these crazy events, I was weathered. Yet, hence the 2020 phrase for myself (thereafter): Mind over Matter.

Coincidentally, I’ve written this before. It all goes full circle. When unexpected things happen to you (both good and hard), its the mindset you hold in reflection for how it’s going to impact you. Now, I don’t want to disvalue traumatic experiences because they do change us. Yet, with intent, we choose how we can GROW from them.

I want to wrap this up on a positive note. Our 2020 experiences are going to be a part of our personal history. Our world will be looking back at this history for decades to come. Yes, students will be studying this in their future classes. Yet what we learn from our personal experiences and how we grow is determined by our MINDSET, not our conditions.

woman resting on wooden bench in meadow with fresh grass
Reflections

CovidChronicles Year 1

March 17th, 2020. 3-17-20. 3+17=20. Last Day. First Day. I ponder this deeply. What was it the last of? What was it the beginning to? Yes, my world radically changed quicker than I hope it ever will. The optimist in me found hope and that ‘two weeks’ may be a reality, but the realist reached into me clearly showing differently. Therefore, I am going to lean into reflection with positivity as I know the potential to jump into the negative impacts. #marigoldpower

Friday March 14th, 2020 was a what-if, news-says, what’s-going-on, do-I-say-goodbye, what-do-I-pack-from-my-office-just-in-case, kinda day. A hell-of-a-lot-of-uncertainty. I remember somberly leaving that afternoon after a long hug from my friend hoping for a great weekend and a ‘hope-to-see-you-Monday’ send-off. Over the weekend, the news was on far more than it ever is. The anxiety and tension was at an unhealthy high. And after the late-Sunday announcement that schools are closed- tears, grief, uncertainty, stress FLOODED me. Questions arose. Next steps to-be-determined. I knew at that point, we were in a new-time and history was beginning to unfold. So I grabbed my ‘boot-straps’ and hunkered down to make the damn best of it!

As educators, we were expected to come in on Monday to ‘create plans.’ To this day, that was one of the most awkward days of my career. We had to return to our ‘normal’ space without students (which was in itself a whole other complex grief). <= teachers love being with kids, so this was harder for them than you know. Long story short- sitting in a freezing cold gym at our own lunch tables and having our admin in just as much shock as us, try to lead the way, put us all into survival mode. Reasoning and decision making was HARD. But we had to do, what we had to do, and “whatever it takes,” took into true effect. We did our best to do our best during an incredibly challenging and radically shifted time.

Now- instead of articulating the exact moments unfolded during the COVID year, I’d like to focus on skills developed and growth gained. Ready?! Let’s do this.

Let’s kick off with some humor (lighten the spirit a bit).

I am now able to…

  • unload the dishes like a champ: there really is a system now developed due to frequency
  • choose my most cozy clothes to feel like a boss
  • claim my space in my home: the corner with the cozy chair is MINE 🙂

Now let’s get serious (how my (your?) life has changed since March 2020)…..

  • a hug is worth a million dollars now (seriously- seratonin release!)
  • spending time with my child has affirmed what’s most important to me (and that taking me-time is healthy for our relationship)
  • how bright and capable my child has become with having consistency and predictability
  • being courageous and trying new things is not as scary as I thought

I’ll leave it at that. I could spend some more time in reflection but I like to be authentic and go from the heart.

Considering this, a lot has unfolded for all of us. We grieve. We gain. We grow. We innovate. We collaborate (in new ways).

I want to leave you with this wonder– how has your life GROWN since March 2020? How are you going to continue to NURTURE this growth?

Reflections

The Power of Reflection

 “Reflection is one of the most underused yet powerful tools for success.” -Richard Carlson

Reflection is defined as “serious thought or consideration” – yet it does NOT necessarily need to be revolutionary, deep or profound. It can be simple and seemingly useless as our thoughts can progress to great ideas and decisions. Therefore, I welcome you to a shift in the definition of reflection: “a thought generated by experience, new knowledge, or conversation.” With this, lets dive in using this self-generated definition of ‘reflection.’

Over the last month or so, I have once (or twice) been reminded that “what we pay attention to- grows.” If I wasn’t such a human, I would have noticed the cultivation of “seeds of thought” that I was actually “watering” rather than “uprooting.” Therefore, I want to encourage you to be self-aware today. What are you noticing? Do you find yourself drawn to certain details? Is this a “planted seed” that you are unintentionally ‘watering’? Rather, is it a “seed” that you’re TRYING to plant but the soil is not “rich” enough? Essentially- What thoughts do you want to nurture and which would you like to weed out?

A great mentor of mine and I were in a deep conversation about what brings us life. Breath. Connection. Self-talk. How we narrate our lives (the consistent scroll of thoughts in our head) is what leads us to decision making and how we perceive our self and others. Therefore, the power is within. How can we build attunement to our thoughts and self-talk? Do we have courage to truly listen to the thoughts in our head? I think there is power in journaling. As a writer, I think reading my thoughts is the purest centering to my soul.

Therefore, I propose a call to action: Take 10 minutes (or 5) and just write down the thoughts going through your head. I encourage you to do this every day at the same-ish time for the next 5 days. I can’t help but be twitterpaited to think of the discoveries you’ll make about yourself. Again, the power is within.

“Your life is a reflection of your thoughts. If you change your thinking, you change your life.” -Brian Tracy

Now- some context. The world around us is spinning. Well it’s always been rotating, but with all that is intensely circling around us, it’s also spinning. With everything that’s disrupted our lives in 2020, I would not be surprised if the earth’s speed of rotation is also impacted. #realworld2020 Though we may be in the middle of a world-wide pandemic, crazy politics, wildfire tragedy, and more, our world has seen tough sh’t before. Therefore, I can’t help but look back to some past leaders during revolutionary and challenging times and be inspired by how they overcame.

Oh my gosh. If you haven’t seen Hamilton yet. Stop reading. Watch it RIGHT now. It’s UH-MAZING. There aren’t words.

Ok, the historical author and activist I will be referring to did NOT appear in Hamilton, yet, he’s still one of the influential figures in the revolution. He authored The Common Sense and the American Crisis (influential pamphlets at the start of the American Revolution). He was an inspiration to the Patriots as they were fighting for independence from Great Britain. So yes, he was an influencer during hard a$$ times. Thomas Paine. Thank you for leadership and influence. Your words still resonate with current world times. Here are some of his notable words:

The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection.”

How did that ‘stick’ with you? What thoughts were generated? Read it again if needed. Feel the words and let thoughts generate. You’re encouraged to jot, draw, captivate or conversate about anything that moved you.

Circling back, today is YOUR day to connect with your thoughts and make note to what they cultivate. How do your thoughts create action and interaction? As you reflect (the most powerful action you can take)- be open to how it builds you. You can only grow by looking inward. Enjoy your attunement and reflection as you navigate a new day!

“Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences, and failing to achieve anything useful.” -Margaret J. Wheatley

What is Self-Reflection and Why it Matters for Our Wellness? Psychology Today article to support your application of these practices: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-happiness/201910/what-is-self-reflection-and-why-it-matters-wellness